the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
