Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
