The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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