Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
