I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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