So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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