Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
