I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
