Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
