I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
