im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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