remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
