I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
