I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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