I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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