If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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