i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
