Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
