im gay
i know
yea but for you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
