I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize