Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
