In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
