Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
