the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
