I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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