Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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