I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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