im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
