I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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