Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
