I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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