The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
