mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
