yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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