i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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