Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
