I think i sorta joined a cult last night
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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