also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
