Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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