i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
