I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
