All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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