I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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