apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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