So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
