No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
