I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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