So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
