There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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