Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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