only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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