Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
