I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
