after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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