Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
