So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
