I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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