dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
