You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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