She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
