dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
