Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
