one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
